vantage point

when i was 6, i remember quite vividly waking up to my parents yelling and arguing downstairs in the living room. the house was pretty old so the floors would creak a lot when you’d walk, but by then i had learned where to step for it to not make any noise. by doing so, i reached the top of the stairs and sat at the top step to see what was going on. i didn’t really understand what they were yelling at, but after a couple of minutes, i saw my mom walk out the front door. immediately i began crying, but i didn’t want my dad to know i was up so i went back to my room and cried myself to sleep. what else can you do as a six year old? and i remember thinking how scared she must be, being that we lived on w. calvert street in north philadelphia..not too deep into the bad parts but still pretty scary for a 6 year old and a little lady at nighttime.

15 years later, i sit on my living room floor in nothing but a beater and my brand new pair of lavender underwear, not too unlike the attire you would have found me in back then. i’m eating hwehduhpbab my mom brought home and we begin talking about random things here and there. i haven’t seen her in about two weeks (she’s always asleep when i come home, and i’m always asleep when she goes to work). i kinda wish you could tape our conversations. here’s a little bit of our conversation, or my favorite part of it:

mom: i don’t buy that bullshit
me: seriously, what a bitch! umma, you shoulda socked the shit outta her!

i think today was the first time i’ve so nonchalantly cursed in front of my mother. (sorry, but i’m still struggling with this potty mouth..)

so she tells me about how she met up with one of her old friends and all the crap that’s going on these days, and she brings up her relationship with one of the ladies she used to be very close to. it turns out, 15 years ago, my parents got into one of the biggest fights because of this one lady, who was supposed to be my mom’s close friend. long story short, the two husbands (my dad and friend) get into a little dispute, women become angry at each other, the lady decides that she wants to say something to my dad, mom gets angry, etc. etc. parents get into a fight and mom leaves the house. 15 years later, my mom still has not forgiven the woman, nor my dad for not taking her side.

i don’t know how to close this blog. i think this is more a way for me to remember this. i just thought it was interesting how i remember that night but didn’t know what it was about until today. but anyways, men, please always support your woman. and that lady better not come around me because she will get an earful of bad words and threats. sorry, Jesus, but you understand my anger, right? -_-

well..

i was going to update..but then i started reading all of joash’s updates..and forgot what i wanted to say.

butttt… summer has been so very great! it’s sad to think that i only have one more month left at home. the only thing i’m looking forward to this fall is the window in my new room and urec.

random loves

i love that after about 13 years of knowing my best friends, neither of their house phone numbers/addresses have changed,

anddddd i love how their parents know my voice so i don’t have to say who’s calling.

work

as you may or may not know, i work at one of the ghetto-est malls EVER. actually, it’s not as bad as cheltenham mall..but yeah. i would never apply to work at this mall but it just so happened that my oppa’s boss needed someone and i was there so blahblahblah and yeah. the hours are crazy but the pay is good.

so, i work at this hoog clothing store that sells knock offs and fake me outs of sean john brands, roca wear, babyphat, etc. and it’s a little silly but i enjoy working there. it’s the chillest job i’ve ever had for the kinda money i’m getting, and i enjoy working with the other employees. people make fun of me for coming out of cheltenham and being “ghetto” and i suppose the fact that i enjoy working at this store and get along so well with the workers will make it worse…but seriously, i really really enjoy it!

there was a black girl who recently got fired because she didn’t come into work after being at the precinct for beating up a girl who got into a fight with her aunt. she might sound vicious just from that sentence, but she was one of the sweetest and funniest people i’ve ever met. i’m pretty sad that she’s gone.

another favorite co-worker of mine is from liberia. this girl is so educated and she’s got that extra oomf in her that might make people want to call her “ghetto” but it’s just personality. she knows so much about her country and she writes songs for her church choir. we always talk about religion and music whenever the boss isn’t around. i feel like i learn something new everyday.

there’s this other girl who’s from russia. she’s an artist and i asked her to design my tattoo for me after she gets done with her art show this sunday.. but only if my first choice artist doesn’t pull through. she’s cool.

it just took me by surprise how much i enjoy working with these people. i thought it might be a little difficult, but not too hard especially because i came outta cheltenham..not that cheltenham is even that ghetto….stupid upper suburb kids :p but even the customers are so nice and easy to talk to. usually i would take offense to a stranger calling me “baby” or “beautiful” only because i know the person is being pervy, but here i don’t take it that way.

you can learn a lot by stepping outside of your comfort zone. actually…working with white people may be stepping outside of my comfort zone. but yeah.

a friday with jennifer

i’m up at 11 am after getting into bed at 4 am. i used to need at least 12 hours of sleep but i guess it’s better this way. and healthier.

i’ve been lounging for about 4 hours and i’m gonna start unpacking my clothes even though i’ve been at home for about 2 weeks now. really, i’m probably the laziest girl you’ll ever meet. but hey, there’s no closet nor drawer space for me so i don’t know where i’m supposed to put all my clothes anyway.

i suppose afterwards i’ll shower and get ready to have my somewhat weekly meal with my favorite oppa in the world. everytime he’s in town, we grab a bite to eat and talk about everything. well, mostly issues. there’s the usual venting about the bxtches and hos in our lives, the shxt we have to go through to make it on top, the struggles that never seem to end, and then the dreams of becoming big one day and being happy to be able to support ourselves and our families. and never do these talks bore me. we always end up at the same conclusion too: everything will work out just great in the end, so long as we keep our eyes on Jesus and put our butts to work. (:

then, i think i’ll stop by a super fresh or genuardi’s to buy some diapers for my babygirl who’s expecting a baby boy. would you believe that? this is the world we live in. she will be the fourth friend of mine (that i know of) to have a baby, and despite what other people want to say, i’m pretty damn proud of her to even have the courage and strength to keep the baby. sure, everyone wants to say that they’re pro life, but when it actually happens to them, everything is up in the air and all you hear are excuses to not keep the baby. so much power and blessings to you, friend. <3

after that, i should probably eat dinner with my mother. i’ve been back for two weeks and haven’t really seen her a lot. i leave the house when she gets home, come back at least around 4 am, sleep all day, and do  it all over again the next day. i’m probably the worst daughter in the world. it’s just that the way i get over stress is to keep myself occupied enough with other things that i don’t have time to think about what’s bothering me. and staying at home makes me so stressed out. i should probably eat dinner with her tonight..especially since i’m leaving for camping saturday-monday…which i still haven’t told her about. sigh.

i wonder if i’m breaching from my views as a “good friend.” i’ve been able to drop 5 people who i considered to be good friends in one year without looking back. granted, they did me wrong, which is why i dropped them in the first place, but i began looking at things in a different light. of course, forgiveness plays a lot in all of this, and i’ve forgiven everything..i suppose it’s easy for me to forgive because i haven’t always been the best. but aren’t good friends supposed to be there no matter what? through thick and thin? i never want to be a bad friend, especially because i go around talking about how much i hate bad/fake friends. so is this me being a bad friend? or do i have every right to cut off those who did me wrong?
well anyways, this isn’t to be hopeful for anybody..just thoughts. at this point i can think for only me. selfish, i know, but whatever. it’s self preservation.

at the end of the day, life is good. i have my family&friends.
and i know He’s looking out.. for all of us.

have a good weekend, kiddos.

reflectionsss

yesterday, i spent about 16 hours in a car with my best friend and that gave me more than enough time to somewhat reflect upon my life. hahah wow, that sounds so dramatic..but i had run out of things to think/talk about.

so one thing i’ve realized about myself is that i’m very big on values upheld by men (not boys). i blame this mostly on the nonexistence of true unnies to exemplify that sisterly love/bond yadayada. of course, i have unnies who look out for me and blahblah, but it’s from my oppas where i learned loyalty and to put your friends first. so when i look at my best friends, they’re sisters, but i treat them as my “boys..” like my brothers…if anyone can understand that. and that respect/loyalty is reciprocated. it’s ride or die forreal (hahah so corny).
and when a “man” seems to be lacking in those areas that (to me) are to make him a man, i kinda look down on him. i know, i know. it’s bad, i’m sorry!

another thing i’ve adopted from not just my oppas but even my parents, is protecting my family. i’m very overprotective. even though i’m a girl..i’m also the oldest. i have a pretty bad temper when it comes to people disrespecting my friends/family even in the slightest way. yeap, i need Jesus. but then again, who’s not like that for their family?

i don’t know what the point of this was.
well, it’s my blog and i can write about whatever the heck i want. right? thanks.
and my husband better have more gongs than me.
anddddddddd i hope everyone else has friends like mine. it must suck not to.
okay, time to enjoy the dayyyyyy.

good morning! @ 3:05

some random jawnies

1. i hope to be as good of a mom as my own mother.
2. i’d like to adopt one day. a cute little african boy. haaa. no but really.
3. even after adoption, i think i’d like 3 or 4 more kids.
4. this summer is going to be my summer. i’ve been saying that every summer since i got to college, and it always turns out to be a great summer. what can i say, it’s just my season.
5. i don’t really like chinese food. i’ll eat it if it’s there and i’m hungry, but i’m not big on ordering it and blahblah. i think i’ve only met one other person who feels the same, but i don’t remember who it is.
6. i don’t really like the number 6. i guess it’s from all those scary korean stories i’ve been told when i was little … or maybe it’s the trips that make me feel weird. but i’m indifferent to 13.
7. through all the struggles in my life, i’ve hoped not to become jaded. and i think He’s looking out for me pretty well. gamsah (:
8. i’m going to get my tattoo re-done this summer. it is imperative for this summer.
9. all my banging ass friends make up for my shxtty ass “friends.” maybe that’s why i don’t feel so down about a lot of stuff, and it’s so easy to cut them out. or maybe it’s because God loves on me so hard that that’s the only thing i feel, especially through grimeyness.
10. i should stop cursing.
11. even thieves look like saints today.
12. this will be my first..kinda. pre-college does not count anymore. we were all so juvenile and immature. well, i kinda still am. but this will be interesting (:
13. my hot water doesn’t work so my mom won’t let me shower bc she thinks i’ll catch a cold. it’s summer though and cold water would be so nice right now.
14. i don’t like talking on the phone.
15. i’m surprised how long this went on with only about 3 meetings. and that is a very good thing. it’s pretty refreshing.
16. i feel weird knowing that people i know actually read this stuff. it’s kinda embarrassing hahaaa
17. the internet is too public now. scaryyy

okay, that was long.
have a great summer everyoneeeeeee (:

dreamsss

jo ah jo ahhh (:

for those who’ve been real and true, all the way through, (that rhymes!)
big ups and thanksssssss.
yall don’t even know what yall do to me, and i think that’s the best part of it <3

today has been a very good day.
i cannot wait until tomorrow!

AAKSDJHASKDHASKDHAKSDHAKSDHAKSJDHAKSJD! hehe

thick skin

through all the bs, i know things will be that much greater for me when it’s time.

there must be something greater that’s to happen for me to be put into such ridiculous situations that toughen me up..

what are You preparing me for?! scaryyyyyy heh (:

well, time to once again get rid of the unnecessary people/drama in my lifeeeee.

and oddly enough, i’m feeling better already.

on another note, HI SUMMER
and thanks, 86 .. ahaha ;]

finals blues..again.

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